Things we don't believe in

There are somethings The Ladies just don't buy. Some people have credos, consider this our anti-credo:

•Humility
•Budhism
•Hell
•"It's just not working out
•Luck, fate, destiny, omens
•Jackson Browne as a domestic abuser
•Horror stories
•Love at first sight
•Vegetarian "meat"
•Exercise videos
•Objectivity
•Horoscopes

True confessions

I want to chop down a tree. There I said it. Is that okay? I worked for the Sierra club, I own a tent, I recycle, I ride by bike to work, and I want to chop down a tree.

I'm not talking about a Christmas tree on a snowy Sunday with my parents. I want to chop down a deciduous tree in a forest, preferably a really big tree.

I'd like to cut it down during the fall when the leaves are turning. I want to cut down something that is still alive and breathing to see what it would be like. I would like to feel the tree's flesh give way to my axe and I would like to feel my arms get tired from swinging the heavy heavy weapon, preferably one with a red handle.

And I want to wear a lumberjack's flannel shirt and afterwards eat a doughnut and maybe drink some apple cider. It's a nice image, very rugged and American. Maybe I have read Sometimes A Great Notion one too many times. Maybe I have a little bit of the recklessness of a ther Northern Michigan forest dwellers in me, there are a lot of trees there, who will miss just one? I don't know why I want to chop down a tree.

Maybe it's because it's so tangible. I want to feel that amount of control that comes with killing another living thing. A tree would be my trophy, like a 30-point buck, or a silver-tailed fox. Maybe it's because it's so forbidden. Maybe because it's exciting.

I want to hear the crash in the forest. I want to see the branches come tumbling down to earth, clawing at the branches of their brother trees still standing tall. I want to pick out my tree. The perfect one. Tall and thick. Lots of branches. Yellow and red leaves, but no purple. I want to be alone with my tree for a while, to get to know it. I want to climb to the top of the tree and then chop it down. I want to know that I can chop it down. that the tree is at my mercy. This huge natural thing that has been standing inthe forest for longer than I have been alive could be gone after a few hours of my work. I like tress, but I want to kill one. I want it to take a lot of work. I want to sweat a lot and get really tired. I want to feel like giving up and then, with one last swing of the axe, break through to the other side and yell, TIMBERRRRRRRRRR.

I want to chop down a tree. Is that okay? I promise I would plant a new one to replace it.